evolution.
Sometimes, I do the most self-centric, narcassistic and egotistical thing any blogger can do—I go back and read my old posts. Why? Well, part of the cool thing about having a blog is that I have this digital scrapbook of my life accessible 24/7, and it’s fun to reminisce. But the biggest reason is because this digital scrapbook also gives me a perfect picture of my evolution as a person. And sometimes, it’s so fascinating to go back and read what I wrote and see how much I’ve changed.
Evolution is a funny thing.
I’d say, with the exception of a small percentage of the population, everyone evolves. At some point, in almost everyone’s lives, they look back at who they used to be and think, “Gosh, I’m so different.” And for some of us, that internal dialogue happens more than once.
I, for one, am a big fan of evolution. We’ve all seen those people who are trapped eternally in their Senior year of high school. The people who retell the story of their game-winning touchdown pass for the state championships on their deathbed. The people who never grew up (either because of biological or environmental reasons, or, sometimes, by choice). And I don’t want to be one of those people.
I’m not saying you can’t be young at heart. Or that you can’t wear glitter and blast One Direction in the car at any age (guilty), but there is something so incredibly positive about maturing into yourself. There is so much pride, power and confidence in that feeling. I’ve always heard that self-assurance comes with age—and I believe that—but I think the biggest contributor to being self-assured is evolution (and we happen to evolve more the older we get). Maybe, I’ll look back at this post in 10 years and think, “Gosh, you had no freaking clue.” But I can safely say, right now, I feel great.
But none of this is the funny part.
The funny part of evolving is how it affects other folks. Maybe not the people immediately around you (because those people are right there with you through each step of your evolution), but the people in your outer circle. Maybe your best friend from college that you only see once a year. Or that family friend who held you as a baby. Maybe even an estranged family member. Those are the people who are affected the most. Those are the people that can’t seem to accept—or understand—why you’ve changed. They feel abandoned and alienated.
What I think is funny? That something that feels so positive and feels so right to you is so often seen as a negative by someone on the outside. I mean, when’s the last time you heard someone say, “You’ve changed.” and it was a positive statement? Almost never. Change can be so intimidating for folks. And I think to deal with it a lot of people (me included, although not intentionally) spin it as a negative. Oh, you changed your mind on a decision you made three years ago? Well, then you’re a flip-flopper. You’re flaky. You’re wishy-washy. You aren’t the person I thought you were. You’ve changed.
I really want to reclaim that phrase—you’ve changed. I want someone to say it and the appropriate response be “Thank you!” because it is the sincerest of compliments. I’m thankful that I’ve changed. When I think of all the things I’d miss out on if I hadn’t evolved to be where I am? Gosh, that’s sad. I’m proud that I’m growing and morphing and adjusting and becoming a new person with every new experience.
Anyway, back to the whole reading my blog posts thing—I’m definitely not the same girl who started this blog over two years ago. If I’m being totally honest, I was a follower back then. I was lost. I was writing a blog to latch onto the only picture of health I thought I knew—other healthy living bloggers. I thought their lives were perfect and shiny and amazing. They were skinny and jobless and healthy and well-loved. Going back and reading now I see so much desperation in I wrote and how I acted. I was desperate for validation.
Right now, I feel myself in the midst of a huge shift in my life. A shift toward self-validation and self-confidence and self-assurance. Maybe this is totally normal during the approach to the big 3-0, but regardless, it feels totally awesome. I’m finally getting my validation, but it isn’t coming from other bloggers. As much as I love you guys, it isn’t coming from my readers, either. It has nothing to do with my co-workers, my boss or my job. And it isn’t coming from my amazing husband, my supportive family or my caring friends. It isn’t coming from anyone else, it’s coming from within. From me feeling good about me. What a novel concept! I validate myself!
And I hope you can see (or read) that shift in the words and content here in BTHR, too. I’ve been having so much fun lately generating the content that I like and enjoy and feel good about and worrying so much less about what would make other people happy. I’m sure that will alienate some folks and make me lose readers, but honestly? If I’m not happy doing this gig, then what’s the point?
I 100% look at writing BTHR as a career. And I want to do my best at it and believe in my work, just like I do at my day job. I’m not just fishing for clicks and ad revenue (although, I’d be lying if I said the checks didn’t help out our budget), but I want people to feel good about the “value” of coming to this site. I want my readers to look at the ads on my site and think, “Hey, that’s okay, she’s working really hard to provide us with good content.” And I feel like I do that better when I’m in love with my content and I’m loving what I’m writing. Amazingly enough, it’s taken me over two years to realize that.
Sometimes I can be pretty dense.
This all being said, I’m not at all ashamed of the girl I was when I started this blog (or the person I’ve been at anytime during my 29 years). Just because I don’t believe in those things now doesn’t negate how strongly I believed in them then. It just means that’s no longer who I am. And I’m so glad that evidence of my evolution is there for me to always go back to and relive whenever I’d like.
But it does mean that sometimes, you might hear one thing from me and the might see it change a short time later. I’m still changing. I’m still evolving And I hope I always will be. Thanks for sticking around.
How have you evolved in the past few years?
P.S. Also noted when going through my old posts: I take an obnoxiously large number of photos of my feet. Apparently I’m all about giving you guys my point of view. OR I’m just too introverted to ask people to take a picture of me.
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I’m Cassie. I’m a Midwestern girl trying to live a healthy life without being too crazy about it. I’m a lover of fresh veggies, bright colors, craft beer, hiking, funky eyeglasses, and really, really dark chocolate.
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Changing is hard. Change is the main reason that my relationship of two years got ended.. a week ago today. It hit me like a MAC truck because honestly, I was still fighting for it, through the way that both of us had changed. He had given up, so he ended it.
But change is helping me get through it. I’m not the introverted hermit I was in high school and most of college. I have discovered how wide my circle of friends are through this break up, and at the same time, that the width of it doesn’t make it any less tight knit. My friends have closed ranks around me to help me through this in a way that I wouldn’t have expected from anyone past my best friend. Apparently, I’ve garnered more than one best friend since moving back home. And I’m suddenly able to be comfortable just being myself around them. I’m not afraid to cry anymore, and at the same time, I’m not afraid to say what I mean. I don’t have to self edit. They’ll accept me lock-stock-and-barrel.
I’ve spent most of my life pretending to be someone that I thought other people would like. I’m a pleaser. I’m a no-conflict person. And suddenly, I realized (um, last night, at 3 AM, actually) that I don’t have to be. I’m pleasing the way I am. Conflicts can lead to debates and arguments which can help grow a relationship or friendship rather than destroy it. And if someone doesn’t think I’m worth the effort, it’s not worth my effort to try to make them think I am.
It’s epiphany season over in Alicia land. I haven’t gotten around to being able to put this in words on my blog yet (I’m waiting on test results from the doctor tomorrow to see if my world falls apart again before trying too hard to put it back together completely) but… BTHR has helped me realize it’s okay to be quirky, intelligent, and different. Commenting here helped me get a lot out.
Change is good. Change can be difficult and complicated and hella messy. But change is necessary, because the world is always changing, and we won’t get very far with it if we stay the same.
Keep up the amazing, Cassie. We’re right here with you.
Great post. Change is a good thing when it’s headed in the right direction, which it often is. Yet I find myself afraid of change when I’m right in the middle of it, like I am right now. Difficulty almost always make you a better, more introspective person. I’ve had some difficult things handed my way in the past few months, but it’s caused me to live more intentionally, to live with more purpose.
I love this post [and even the feet pictures:)]. Change is a wonderful thing, but it can be so hard to let yourself grow or watch others grow without you. Thanks for being so honest and open with your readers and so inspirational. This is the blog that I save for last each day because it is one of my favorites.
Yes, yes, yes.
I feel so proud looking at how I have changed over the years. I have learned and experienced so much and it has deepened my understanding of the world and other people. I’m much more empathetic than I once was. I’m much, much more open-minded than I once was.
I love the term evolution.
I’m so happy that you see the beauty in it as well.
“I’m finally getting my validation, but it isn’t coming from other bloggers. As much as I love you guys, it isn’t coming from my readers, either. It has nothing to do with my co-workers, my boss or my job. And it isn’t coming from my amazing husband, my supportive family or my caring friends. It isn’t coming from anyone else, it’s coming from within. From me feeling good about me. What a novel concept! I validate myself!”
I read that an almost started a slow clap at my desk. What an awesome, awesome place to be in your life! I’m working so damn hard to get to that place in my own world!
The parts in this post about writing content for YOU and not necessarily what you THINK you should write about really resonated with me, too. I totally bought into the glamor of healthy lifestyle bloggers and thought, “Maybe I talk incessantly about how healthy I try to eat and how much I work out, people will read my blog!” But there is SO MUCH more to me and my personal brand and my life than that. I was trying to fit into a mold I will NEVER fit in. And amen for that! My blog isn’t a health and fitness blog, it’s a Courtney blog. PERIOD.
Keep it up, girl. We love reading about your changes!
What an insightful post…one I’m sure I’ll read many times. Change is good
I read this on the train home last night and it’s been sitting at the back of my brain. I love the term evolution and I have noticed that since you moved BTHR has been a more confident place (that’s not quite it but it’s the best way I can describe it!). I love it and I think that just owning where you are is a really healthy place.
My last 10 years have been full of change and I’m in a better place for the change. The people that have known me all that time would say (and have said) that they got me back. That I’m more like the me I was in my early twenties but better. That’s true too. At some point in the trauma of the last decade of evolution, I just learned to work on the stuff I didn’t like about me and be completely ok if others didn’t like it, without feeling that it was my fault. Only changing the things that I didn’t like, saying to people “Thanks for telling me that, I’ll think about it” thinking about it and deciding whether I felt like valid comment. Learning that I can’t tell people how they feel, only how they make me feel and that this works vice versa. It’s a powerful thing.
You’re absolutely right it’s hardest for the people that don’t know you that well. What I really learnt was that often the people who thought they knew me best didn’t have a clue. People said “You’ve changed” and I really hadn’t, I’d just started being really honest about who I was and what was important to me. I changed and became more myself.
I’m looking forward to seeing how you feel about this in 10 years time, having a blog is great for that!!
Hi Cassie,
I really like your blog and this post (as well as the one about the “fitness average”) and wanted to let you know because what is self-validation without a stranger’s approval…;-)
I believe that you used the word “effect” wrong and it should read “affect” in this post.
Have a nice day!
Whoops! Fixed. Thanks for pointing it out and thanks for reading!
Cassie,
I honestly LOVE how your blog and writing style have changed and evolved since I first started following. I have grown to truly respect the person you are behind the blog, and appreciate your honesty, openness and sincerity. Which, honestly I can’t say for a lot of the other healthy living blogs I follow which strive so much for the image of “perfection”. Real life is REAL life, and you portray it will elegance and grace. THANK YOU for being one of my favorite little corners of the internet.